Grief is a profound and often chaotic process, deeply personal and nonlinear. It arises from changes we never wanted: the heartbreak of a breakup, the finality of a divorce, the pain of a death, or the violation of an assault. Grief is not only about what we’ve lost but also about what we never had—a nurturing parent, a safe childhood, or the care and security we deserved but were denied.
While not all grief stems from trauma, all trauma carries an element of grief. Trauma inherently involves loss—the loss of innocence, health, safety, or stability. It is the shock of the unexpected, the life we imagined slipping away.
In childhood, many of us learned to put on a metaphorical suit of armor to protect ourselves from emotional pain. This armor, essential for survival at the time, becomes rigid over the years, transforming into a barrier to joy and connection. The coping mechanisms we once relied on—shutting down, overworking, self-medicating—may help us avoid difficult emotions but also block the grief essential for healing.
Our early life experiences shape how we navigate challenges later on. A child laughed at in school, or one with emotionally unavailable parents, grows into an adult who meets adversity through the lens of those formative wounds. We do not see the world as it is; we see it as we are.
We cannot address what we cannot feel. Often, what we fear most has already happened to us. For example, if abandonment terrifies us, it is likely because we have lived through it before. That fear becomes ingrained in our identity, influencing our behaviors and decisions. Unconsciously, we might recreate scenarios of rejection, hoping this time it will be different. Yet, these self-fulfilling patterns often leave us feeling like victims, perpetuating old wounds instead of healing them.
Healing begins when we allow ourselves to see the grief embedded in trauma. It is a journey of reclaiming our power and rediscovering who we truly are. For many, it involves recognizing a lifelong focus on others’ needs while neglecting their own. The process requires learning to acknowledge our feelings, identify our desires, and make intentional changes to break free from trauma’s hold.
True healing occurs when the traumatic event no longer dictates our decisions or defines our lives. It is not easy because trauma often obscures our sense of self. But grief and trauma, painful as they are, offer a gift: an invitation to confront and release what we once buried for survival. They challenge us to process the unprocessed, to heal what was left undone, and to finally reclaim ourselves.
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